The End of Us

Vannah[Was All She Wrote] wrote:Barely holding back the tears,
You told me how much she's loved you for all these years.
What am I supposed to do now that she wants you?
You said that you would never forget me,but when you're with her I'm sure you do.
I'm torn apart and now I'm left alone in the dark.

Thanks guys:]

You didn't separate your stanzas nor did you separate the lines in each stanza. Other than that I thought it was pretty good. I specialize in poetry. I'm just kidding. I am only 13, but I love writing poems. Usually they are about or based on conflicts or major events that happen in my or my friends' life.

Hey there Vannah[Was All She.

The problem with this poem is that there is no actual theme to it nor does it answer anything. The narrator is being cheated on, so what? Why exactly are you torn apart and left in the dark? You need more specific examples and detail so that there is something for the audience to relate to. Generalisations and blatant expressions must be avoid as they provide little for the audience to search for.

However, I do like your use of rhyme for the first two lines. I'm curious as to why you would connect "tears" with "years". It's a shame that what follows doesn't expand on this. Any reason why you did that? Perhaps when you rewrite this, you should try to base the poem more on the idea of how and why a person would look back to their love even after so many years of separation and how this can trigger one's sorrow. I think it will be a pretty neat idea to explore.

Good luck.

Andy.

Tut tut tut. You has done none reviewing. YWSers be not impressed.

Anyway moving on to POETRY!!!

First thing about this is that its a great start, but it is just a start. Its the opening verse. It needs more bulk, man. You have potential, but you aren't using it in a way that's showing yourself off. Also, how are we supposed to critique five lines? We need more, and you need to give us more, if you really want us to help you get better at this poetry lark.

Vannah[Was All She Wrote] wrote:Barely holding back the tears,
You told me [s]how much[/s] she's loved you for all these years. Your rhyming seems a bit forced.
What am I supposed to do now that she wants you? too long, me thinkies. Because it rhymes in the middle you could split it into two lines.
You said that you would never forget me,but when you're with her I'm sure you do. again, too loooong!
I'm torn apart and now I'm left alone in the dark. I don't like the last line. It just seems...off. I think rhyming within lines is definately a no-no.

Vannah[Was All She Wrote] wrote:Barely holding back the tears,
You told me how much she's loved you for all these years.
What am I supposed to do now that she wants you?
You said that you would never forget me,but when you're with her I'm sure you do.
I'm torn apart and now I'm left alone in the dark.

Vannah[Was All She Wrote] wrote:
(Hey there Vannah! Welcome to YWS! We have a 2:1 policy here which means that for every one piece of work you post you should have reviewed two pieces of work by someone else. Please review two pieces as soon as possible to make up for this . Now for your piece!)







Barely holding back the tears,
You told me how much she's loved you for all these years.
What am I supposed to do now that she wants you?
You said that you would never forget me,but when you're with her I'm sure you do.
I'm torn apart and now I'm left alone in the dark.

(This sounds like a good start for a poem, but it's a little bit too short to give the reader any feeling. It's understood that this is a poem about someone the narrator loves who turns back to someone that they have loved all of the time.

The meaning of poetry isn't just to get it to rhyme . It's to have it flow, move the reader and make them appreciate your effort as a writer. To me, meter matters a lot more than rhyme! So you see, your first 4 lines kind of carry forced rhymes. You can tell that you are making an effort to get these to rhyme. That's absolutely unnecessary. You really, really don't have to do that. You can trim a lot of this away and add a lot more; that's unless you want to keep it short. Here's how I would shred it and make it into something else, whilst keeping the rhymes:

I can barely withhold the tears
As you tell me; she's loved you for years
What can I do; now she wants you
You've said you wouldn't forget me; but I'm sure you do

I would personally add a lot more, scrap the last line and make it into something a lot more catchy. Overall, I think it's a great start to a poem; I'm not trashing it or anything,that's how poetry and writing goes. I tear my own work apart over and over until it looks presentable. And then, I revise it. Keep up the good work; I'd love to see more of your work!

Welcome to YWS!

June )